Woke Up This Mornin’

Got yourself a bug, got yourself a bug. Ye ye yea

Cute until it goos on the shoes

At first I thought it was a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, and I was thinking I’d leave it to turn all pretty. Then I was like, I really want to wear these shoes and Wikipedia doesn’t tell me how long metamorphosis lasts.

The little guy (we’ll call him Optimus) did not agree. This is our conversation:

Yo man, you mind getting off my shoe? I have to go to work.

Nah, man, I’m good here.

Come on, it’s my shoe. Here, I’ll even help you off very gently and put you on this nice green leaf that looks like you. *Gently grasps torso and tugs, meeting heavy resistance*

I said I’m good here. Nyet! *whips his head back and forth at my fingers, startling me*

Oh, so this is how you want to play? You realize I’m something like 45,000 times larger than you, right? You’re going to end up off my shoe, alive and pissed off. *Grasps harder, pulling two legs off but not budging behind*

Dude, get off! I don’t see your name on this damn shoe unless your name is Timberland, and you don’t look like Timberland to me. He’s black and puts out the same music over and over again. Still more talented than you, you suck at guitar by the way. *Thrashes around more at my grasping with his weird-looking head, and then emits this odd goo onto my shoe that looks like that edible stuff from childhood, pissing me off*

Green bug flavor (not pictured)

Bro, not my shoe. You pain in the ass, I’m bringing in the hammer. *Takes 2×4 with a protruding nail, starts prying*

Goo goo goo goo *goo goo goo goo, angrily*

Gotcha *One final push sends the creature flying through the air off the fourth story terrace, stubbornly I’m sure*

Imagine that 50,000 years from now the evolved human species looks back on this day as the turning point in history where the ancestor called Shane thwarts an alien invasion by defeating the unassuming insectoid Zorgon something something I get a monument dedicated to me. You’re welcome, future people.

uh…. then I found 5$?


1 thought on “Woke Up This Mornin’

  1. Pingback: Adjusting: 6 Months, 1 Suitcase | Qué lo What?

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